1. Comparing your suffering to those of others.
Every loss is different, even though it might seem similar. The person experiencing the loss is looking at the loss from their perspective, because of their unique story (history), coping skills and experience of previous losses. Therefore, what seems like an insignificant loss to one person might be extremely traumatic and intense for another. This is true even within family systems where everyone has “lost” the same person/thing.
Avoid words like “you don’t understand / you don’t know what I am going through.”
2. Communicating when you are upset.
When you are upset (emotional) you operate from a more primitive part of the brain. This part of the brain is geared towards protecting you from potential/perceived danger. It is not the part of the brain that has problem solving abilities.
Remove yourself from the situation when you feel strong emotions surfacing. Take a break. Talk to a neutral party about your upset. Preferably someone who will listen and empathise without giving advice or taking sides. If the upset remains constant seek professional help.
3. Using blaming or shaming to get your needs met.
When you blame or shame another person their defences will go up and they will probably shift to the lower centres of their brain. They will have a limited ability to “hear” your needs.
Request what you need in terms of support but remember you cannot hold other people responsible for meeting your needs. For example, if you are feeling lonely and you need company say: “I am having a difficult day, can you please come visit me.” Instead of “You never phone or visit, you really don’t care about me.” If the first person you make the request to can not or will not fulfil your need, think of an alternative way or another person you can ask for support. DO NOT TAKE IT PERSONAL
4. Shutting loved ones and friends out.
Even though people are different and some process internally and some externally it can be extremely damaging to relationships if loved ones are shut out and they struggle to understand what you need and how to support you.
Reassure your loved ones that you are OK and that you just need some processing space. Tell them how often they can “check in” with you to make sure you do not sink into deep depression.
Choose one person who will communicate how you are doing with the rest. It can really help to give you space, but at the same time lower the anxiety levels of your loved ones.
5. Dragging old wounds or family issues into the current loss experience.
Old wounds often surface because the system has been affected.
Ask yourself if this is going to be helpful in the situation. Keep the grief clean, stick with the current loss.
If there are big family issues, seek professional help, because significant loss has the potential to tear families apart and outside mediation/intervention might be necessary to keep the family intact.
6. Do not judge other people’s responses to you in terms of how much they love you or care about you.
Remember, the people trying to support you are doing their best. They might not understand what you are going through and therefore their responses might be insensitive. Give them the benefit of the doubt but set clear boundaries.
7. Not setting clear boundaries about who you allow to speak into the situation
Decide whom the people are that you can trust to give you clear and sound advice. You do not have to listen to everybody’s opinion or advice. You also do not have to allow everybody into the intimate details of your grief.
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