In my work with clients I teach them to externalise and personalise emotions. By doing this we can investigate their ‘messages’ and the effect they have on the individual. We can discover wise ways to listen to them and allow them instead of being overpowered by them. Let us do this with grief.
GRIEF is a powerful emotion that visits WHEN SOMETHING IS IRRETRIEVABLY LOST, it can be through actual death or the death of important attachments, ideas, or relationships. When its presence is ACKNOWLEDGED AND ALLOWED, we find that it is not as persistent and allows us some space and a break from its grip.
Yet, most people fear grief’s presence, they try to avoid it at all cost. They try to keep it at bay through strategies like numbing (alcohol, food, medication, drugs, TV etc.), anger/ rage (blaming others), distraction (keeping busy), or dissociation. They try their best to avoid the message it brings.
During the festive season grief often shows up as an ‘unwanted’, invisible guest, especially if we do not allow it a space at the table. The more we resist it, the more it will show up, because it wants you to acknowledge the message it brings. The message, “Something is irretrievably lost, and you ultimately have to let it go.”
So here are some ideas for allowing grief, while at the same time celebrating togetherness and enjoying the season.
UNDERSTAND THAT EACH MEMBER OF THE FAMILY’S PROCESS IS DIFFERENT
Do not force any rituals on anybody. Your needs are your needs, and their needs are their needs. BUT
TALK ABOUT THE ‘ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM’
Sit around the table as a family and acknowledge the loss. For example, “This is the first Xmas without Mom, let us have a moment to acknowledge it.” Ask each member what their preferred way is to deal with the loss and respect their way. For example, you might discover that two people around the table want to share stories about Mom, but for another it might be painful to talk about her. Knowing this will allow the two who want to share stories the opportunity to share with each other, away from the person who doesn't want to talk.
RESPECT EACH OTHER’S EMOTIONAL BOUNDARIES
Understand how important respecting each other’s boundaries will be during this time. Someone might not even want to have a conversation about the loss – respect that. Your emotions are your emotions and should be processed in your space, their emotions are their emotions and should be processed in their space.
SUPPORT DOES NOT MEAN FIXING, SHAMING, IGNORING OR DISMISSING
While respecting each other’s emotional boundaries, we are also members of a group and one person’s pain and loss does affect the other members of the group. Therefore, when someone brings their troubling emotions to you, steer away from trying to ‘talk them out of it’ or taking responsibility to ‘make them happy’. At the same time, it is not helpful to shame someone by telling them to ‘get over it’ or dismissing their emotion by telling them to ‘look on the bright side and see how much they have to be thankful for’.
The best way to handle another’s troubling emotions is through reflective listening. You listen carefully and only reflect what you hear, instead of the above. For example, “You feel sad, because you miss grandma and the hugs she used to give you, it is really hard for you. You wish she were still here with us” (Contact Integer network South Africa for workshops on reflective listening).
REMEMBERING IS IMPORTANT (each person in their own way)
GRIEF WANTS RITUAL, it wants you to create moments (not all the time) where you can acknowledge its presence. Where you can remember and acknowledge what you have lost. THIS IS NORMAL. Initially these rituals last longer, but later. as you let go, they become less prominent.
You can do rituals as a family if everyone is on the same page or you can create your own rituals.
Some practical ideas
Create a ‘shrine’ (place of remembrance) where you put photo’s, candles, flowers, and anything precious that reminds you of the person. This ‘shrine’ is not meant to be permanent. It is there for a season, reminding us of the loss, until the grief process is done and people can ‘let go’ (this takes as long as it takes), and then can be removed.
Telling stories about the loved one can be a way of remembering.
CREATING A GRIEF JOURNAL where you record your memories, you process your loss, record your emotions, and discover wise ways, can be helpful. (see my guide to grief-journaling).
Listening to your loved one’s favourite music and letting out the tears.
Wrapping a favourite blanket around your shoulders.
The point is, GRIEF IS AN EMBODIED EXPERIENCE, it needs expression. Please do not try to force it out of the way. It will return and show up just as everyone is having fun, you will have no choice but to deal with it. If you consciously give it, its space there will be enough moments of fun to enjoy during the festive season.
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