I am not much of a “follow these six steps towards healing” type of a person. I honestly believe we each have a unique journey, especially when grieving a loss. But I also know that there are helpful markers on the journey.
Learning compassionate communication (based on NVC principles) as a way of interacting with yourself and the people in your life, especially during times of grief is immensely helpful. Compassionate communication aims to help you to express your own emotions and needs but also to have empathy for the emotions and needs of the people around you.
During times of grief it might feel like you are walking around without a skin. All your nerve endings are exposed, and this can easily lead to miscommunication with loved ones. It is easy to misinterpret people’s motives or their behaviour. This results in blaming and relationships can be seriously damaged.
So how can I love myself and others during a time of grief?
1. Self-compassion is the place to start.
Asking yourself what is happening inside of
you. This does not necessarily come easy and
requires doing your grief-work or the
assistance of a grief-coach.
a. Observe what is happening without
judgement or evaluation. For example, “I am
crying myself to sleep every night.” Instead
of, “I am a weakling because I can’t go to bed
without crying myself to sleep.”
b. Take ownership of your emotions. “I am
feeling sad/distraught/exhausted/desperate/
lonely/helpless etc.” instead of blaming
circumstance or family members for your
situation.
c. Discover what you need. “I need
Empathy/connection/touch/companionship/
closeness/compassion etc.”
d. Request what you need or find a way to
satisfy your own need. Once you know what
you need you can for example request the
following, “I need some touch, can you
please give me a hug.” or you can fulfil the
need for yourself by making an appointment
for to go for a massage.
If your need is companionship you can ask, “I
need some companionship; can you please
go with me to the store.” or, you can reach
out to a lonely person and get some
companionship in that way.
2. Compassion for others. Asking, what they
might be experiencing. What is happening
inside of them. – Take note, this is not meant to
be communicated or even as an analysis of
someone else. The reason for doing this is to
give the other people in your life the benefit of
the doubt and imagine a positive reason why
they are not fulfilling your needs.
a. Observe what is happening without
judgement or evaluation. For example, “My
daughter has not visited me for two weeks.”
Instead of, “My daughter does not care about
me, therefore she hasn’t visited me in two
weeks.
b. Try to imagine what they might be feeling.
Maybe she feels helpless/tired/heavy
hearted/heartbroken. (the idea is to give her
the benefit of the doubt)
c. Imagine what the other person is needing.
She might need rest/freedom/space
d. Ask yourself.
How can I make my needs for her company
known to her without accusing her? (follow
step d in the first column.)
The big threat to relationships during times of grief is the assumption that everyone is experiencing the same emotions and needing the same things. Because each person’s grief process is different the emotions and needs might be completely out of sync and therefore compassion for each other is especially important.
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