Loss is a normal part of life. There is no way around it. It has many faces. It can be as the result of death of a loved one, loss of health or mobility, loss of possessions/property, loss of relationships, loss of freedom, loss of a specific role in life, loss of a career etc.
When we have no control over the loss and how it happens, we enter a grief process, even if we try to avoid or deny it.
Grief is the emotion that shows up to guide us towards acceptance and “letting go”, but it is one of the toughest emotions to deal with because we have to a large extent lost the ability to grieve. We are unaccustomed to the use of rituals as part of the process and we often celebrate strength and fear vulnerability. Grief makes us vulnerable because it can come at the most unexpected moments.
It is also unique and even though there are common aspects it remains a highly individual process and challenging to deal with. Two people might lose the same person or go through a similar loss, but their experience and way of grieving might be vastly different and totally out of sync.
I often find that families struggle to work with their grief because they can not accept where each member of the family are in terms of the process. I have personally experienced this when my father died seven years ago. Even though we all lost the same person, each of us needed to grieve in our own way because each of us had a unique relationship with him. Some wanted to talk about him, some found it too painful. Some wanted to remember the day and hour he died and remind themselves of that on weekly or monthly or yearly basis, others did not want to do that. And so, the list goes on.
So here is some helpful advice with regards to grief:
1. Embrace your own process with a tremendous amount of self-compassion – do what you need to do.
2. Have a lot of grace for the other people around you, they must do what they must do.
3. Do not have any expectation about how long it should take (for yourself or for others).
4. Understand that there is no way to escape the process. Even if you want to stay in denial for as long as possible, it will ultimately hit you.
5. Empower yourself with knowledge about the grief process, talk to a professional. It will help to normalise your experience and they will work with you to find helpful ways to process the grief and loss. (I have published a grief journal manual, where I explain many of these helpful practices. Send an email to grobler.karin@gmail.com to order your manual).
6. You will know when you are through the worst when you can let go and move on. This does not mean that you will not have moments of tears and remembering/reminiscing, it just means that you will be able to find peace and acceptance.
Comments